Suicide
Updated: Oct 12
Suicide is one of the most painful forms of loss a person can experience. When someone takes their own life, those left behind are often confronted with an overwhelming mixture of grief, anger, confusion, guilt, unanswered questions and sometimes even relief. There may be a constant, haunting question: “Why?”
There may never be a complete answer. Suicide rarely comes from one cause or one moment. It can arise from a complex combination of emotional pain, trauma, mental health struggles, relationships, isolation, hopelessness, circumstances and factors that may be invisible to everyone around the person. Suicide prevention therefore requires compassion, connection, honest conversations and professional support—not judgment or simplistic explanations.
When the Pain Becomes Bigger Than the Person
People who have experienced profound trauma may eventually begin to believe that the pain will never end. Trauma can come from rape, incest, abuse, betrayal, abandonment, violence, humiliation, grief, loss, rejection or years of feeling powerless. Sometimes the original event happened long ago, yet the nervous system continues to live as though the danger is still present.
When someone has been hurt deeply enough, the mind can begin looking for an escape rather than a future. Sometimes people don't think they have a future. That does not mean the person truly wants their life to end. Sometimes what they desperately want is for the pain to end. That distinction matters.
A person in crisis may not be able to see the possibilities that exist beyond the immediate suffering. What feels permanent in one moment can change with time, support, understanding, treatment, safety, human connection and safety. This is why reaching out matters—even when you believe nobody could possibly understand.
If Someone You Love Has Died by Suicide
After suicide, survivors can experience a particularly complicated form of grief. You may love the person and be furious with them at the same time. You may miss them terribly while also feeling betrayed. You may wonder whether you could have stopped them, whether you missed something, or whether you somehow failed them. Please be careful with such thoughts.
You cannot know everything another person is carrying internally. You cannot be responsible for choices you did not control or information you did not have. Grief after suicide does not have a timetable. Healing does not mean forgetting the person, approving of what happened, or pretending that the loss did not devastate you. Healing means gradually learning how to carry what happened without allowing it to destroy the rest of your life.
You are allowed to grieve.
You are allowed to be angry.
You are allowed to have questions.
And you are allowed to eventually experience happiness again.
Forgiveness Is Not the Same as Excusing
Forgiveness is often misunderstood. Forgiving someone who abused you does not mean what they did was acceptable. Forgiving someone who molested, incested or rapedyou does not remove their responsibility. Forgiving someone who betrayed you does not require you to trust them again. Forgiving someone who caused profound pain does not mean you have to reconcile with them—or even have them in your life.
And forgiveness does not have to happen quickly. Sometimes forgiveness begins with something much smaller: releasing yourself from the responsibility of carrying another person's actions inside your body and mind forever. You can say:
“What happened to me was not my fault.”
“I did not deserve it.”
“I cannot change what happened, but I can choose what I do with the rest of my life.”
That is not weakness. That is reclaiming your life.
Forgiving Yourself
For many trauma survivors, the hardest person to forgive is themselves.
You may blame yourself for staying.
For trusting someone.
For not fighting back.
For freezing.
For loving someone who hurt you.
For not seeing the warning signs.
For believing someone who lied.
For surviving when someone else did not.
Trauma can make people judge their past selves using information and strength they only gained afterward. Be kind and gentle with yourself.
Try offering that earlier version of yourself the compassion you would offer someone you love. You were doing the best you could with the resources, information, strength and circumstances you had at the time. You survived. That matters.
You Do Not Have to Forgive to Begin Healing
There is also an important truth that deserves to be said clearly: forgiveness is not a requirement for healing. Some people find forgiveness profoundly freeing. Others do not use that word at all. They may instead find acceptance, boundaries, grief work, therapy, spirituality, self-compassion or simply learning to live without constantly revisiting the trauma.
Healing is personal.
What matters is finding a path that moves you away from being permanently defined by what happened to you.
Your trauma is something you experienced.
It is not the entirety of who you are.
Choosing to Stay
If you have reached a point where you are thinking, “I cannot do this anymore,” please do not make a permanent decision from the middle of temporary—but very real—pain. You do not have to solve your entire life today.
You only need to get through this moment.
Tell someone.
Call someone.
Go where other people are.
Remove yourself from anything you could use to hurt yourself.
Contact a crisis service or a mental-health professional.
In Canada, you can call or text 9-8-8 at any time, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Trained responders are available to support people experiencing a suicide crisis as well as people worried about someone else. If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1 or go to the nearest emergency department.
Asking someone directly whether they are thinking about suicide does not increase the risk; it can open an important conversation and create an opportunity to connect them with help.
There Can Be a Life After the Pain
One of the most important things trauma can steal from us is our ability to imagine a future. But your inability to see that future today does not mean it does not exist.
There can be laughter after devastation.
There can be love after betrayal.
There can be safety after abuse.
There can be meaningful relationships after abandonment.
There can be peace after years of turmoil.
There can be a life you cannot yet imagine.
And sometimes healing begins with a very small decision: I will stay long enough to find out what comes next.
If someone you love has died by suicide, allow yourself to heal without guilt. If you have survived trauma, allow yourself to become more than what happened to you. If you are carrying anger, grief or unforgiveness, you do not have to force yourself to let it go before you are ready.
And if you are standing at the edge of giving up, please reach toward another human being before you make that final decision. Your pain deserves help. Your story is not finished. And the worst thing
that has happened to you does not have to be the last thing that happens to you.
Please note: This message was written with an extraordinary sense of urgency following contact with many souls in spiritland during my sleep. Their message was clear: reach those who are hurting, remind them that their pain can change, and help them find a reason to stay. I felt compelled to bring that message forward.
