Grief
Updated: Oct 7
Why grief doesn't follow predictable stages—and why you need permission to grieve differently
We often talk about grief as though it were a journey with a clear beginning, middle, and end.
First comes shock. Then sadness. Then anger. Eventually, acceptance. But real grief rarely follows such a neat path.
Grief can be unpredictable, deeply personal, and surprisingly long-lasting. You may feel peaceful one morning and overwhelmed by sadness that afternoon. You may believe you are beginning to move forward, only to find yourself crying unexpectedly months or even years later. This does not mean you are going backward. It means you are grieving.
Grief doesn't follow a schedule
There is no universal amount of time that a person "should" grieve. For one person, the first few months may be overwhelming. Another may appear remarkably composed and experience the deepest grief much later. Someone else may return to everyday life relatively quickly while still carrying profound sadness privately.
None of these responses necessarily indicates how deeply someone loved the person they lost.
Grief is not measured by how long you cry, how often you talk about the person, or how quickly you return to your normal responsibilities. There is no stopwatch on love.
The stages aren't instructions
The familiar idea of stages of grief can sometimes be helpful as a way of understanding possible emotional responses. But grief is not a checklist.
You don't have to experience every stage.
You don't necessarily experience them in a particular order.
You can move between emotions repeatedly.
You might feel anger years after feeling that you had accepted the loss. You might experience moments of genuine happiness while still grieving deeply.
Human emotions are not linear.Neither is grief.
You may grieve someone who is still alive
Grief isn't limited to death. We can grieve a relationship that has ended, a friendship that has changed, a parent who can no longer live independently, a diagnosis that changes our future, a career we lost, or a version of ourselves that no longer exists. Sometimes we grieve what we hoped life would be.
These losses can be just as emotionally significant, even when other people don't recognize them as grief. This is one reason it can be so important to acknowledge your own experience rather than waiting for someone else to validate it.
Grief can surprise you
You may think you are doing well until something unexpectedly brings the person back into your awareness.
A song.
A photograph.
A familiar perfume.
A particular restaurant.
A birthday.
A holiday.
A voice that sounds remarkably similar.
Suddenly, the loss can feel immediate again. These moments don't mean you have failed to heal.
They mean that memory and love can remain deeply connected. Grief may become less overwhelming with time, but that doesn't necessarily mean it disappears. Sometimes we simply become more capable of carrying it.
You are allowed to laugh
One of the most confusing experiences after a loss can be feeling happy again. You may laugh with friends and then suddenly feel guilty. You may enjoy a beautiful day and wonder whether you should be sad instead. But experiencing joy does not betray the person you lost. Neither does laughter erase grief.
Human beings can hold seemingly opposite emotions at the same time. You can miss someone terribly and still enjoy your life. You can feel devastated and grateful. You can cry and laugh on the same day. There is room for all of it.
Other people may not understand your grief
Sometimes the hardest part of grieving is not the grief itself but the expectations surrounding it.
People may wonder why you aren't "over it."
They may encourage you to move on.
They may stop asking how you are doing because they assume you must be fine by now.
But grief doesn't necessarily follow the timetable of the people around you.
You don't have to perform recovery for anyone.
Your relationship with the person you lost was unique.
Your grief will be unique too.
Give yourself permission
Perhaps one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself is permission to grieve in your own way.
You don't have to grieve loudly.
You don't have to grieve privately.
You don't have to talk about the person every day.
You don't have to stop talking about them.
You don't have to pack everything away.
You don't have to keep everything.
You don't have to feel the way other people expect you to feel.
And you don't have to apologize for having a good day.
Grief is not a test you pass by reaching the end. It is an experience you learn to live alongside. Over time, the sharpness may change. The memories may become easier to hold. The absence may become woven into the fabric of your life. But love doesn't have an expiration date. And neither does the need to remember.
If You Are Grieving
If you are carrying a loss and finding that your grief doesn't look or feel the way you expected, you are not alone. You may find it helpful to have a compassionate, private space to explore what you are experiencing, including the emotional and spiritual questions that can arise after loss.
I invite you to book a private session with me if you would like to talk through your experience, seek perspective, or simply have someone listen without judgment. Your grief does not need to fit anyone else's timeline. Give yourself permission to grieve in the way that is true for you.
